Dog’s Movie House: “F9: The Fast Saga” and “The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard” Too Overstuffed To Match Previous Entries!

Let’s start with “The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard” in which Ryan Reynolds returns as bodyguard Michael Bryce. After the debacle of the last film, Michael is seeing a therapist because he can’t stop obsessing over his lack of three-star certified status and and the roll his previous charge, the assassin Darius Kincaid (Samuel L. Jackson) played in his current demotion. So he takes a vacation, but that is soon interrupted by Darius’s crazy wife Sonia (film MVP Salma Hayek) who recruits Michael into saving Darius from a bad situation. This bad situation soon gets worse as all three are roped in to helping the government take out a Greek madman (Antonio Banderas in some truly hideous costumes) trying to use a computer virus to destabilize Europe. Bullets and bad words fly with equal measure.

Like many sequels, “The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard” goes for a bigger approach, but the size of the explosions don’t matter a bit if you don’t give a damn about either the story or the characters and that’s a crime considering how talented the assembled cast is. Unfortunately Tom O’Connor’s screenplay hamstrings both Jackson and Reynolds in a way that makes both Bryce and Kincaid more annoying than funny. The profanity from Jackson, Reynolds and Hayek is numbing in its abundance and volume. The characters are always screaming at each other and it’s not a good sign for a film when you want to stand up in the middle of the movie and tell the main characters to shut the hell up because they’re giving you a freakin’ migraine.

The action is passable, but director Patrick Hughes doesn’t stage anything more than mediocre. His idea seems to be to add more explosions and shaky camera work to make up for any creative set pieces. The saving grace here is Hayek. While her dialogue isn’t any better than the others, she delivers it with such gusto that you can’t help but smile when she’s onscreen. It also helps that she’s smokin’ hot. (I’m a guy, so sue me!). Overall though, “The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard” is a step down from the entertaining original. Hopefully it makes enough money to make a better film with these characters. 2 1/2 Out Of 5 On Kendog’s Barkometer!

Next we have the rather pretentiously titled “F9: The Fast Saga” the ninth film in the blockbuster series that started with the original 2001 flick about street racing and has since become one of the most popular franchises in cinema, morphing into a series of James Bond-style heist flicks that are cinematically enhanced with special effects and stunt steroids. Longtime director Justin Lin is back after a two film absence and he also serves as one of the primary screenwriters. The story involves Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) being called out of retirement to help the government retrieve a super weapons system called Project Ares. The regular crew is brought back in including Dom’s wife Letty (Michelle Rodriguez), Tej (Ludacris), Roman (Tyrese Gibson), and the super-hacker Ramsey (Nathalie Emmanuel). They are joined by a friend who’s returned from the grave in the form of Han (Sung Kang) who has apparently faked his own death. The team take on a new enemy who just happens to be Dom’s younger brother Jakob (an appropriately iron jawed John Cena). Throughout the story we find out that they are, surprise, surprise, estranged and Jakob has something of a vendetta against his big brother. His rage is so overwhelming that he’s willing to work with the previous film’s villain Cipher (Charlize Theron, having a ball in a somewhat limited role here) to achieve his goals.

If that sounds like a lot to unpack from a narrative standpoint, you’d be right. That’s one of the problems with this film. “F9” suffers from way too much plot which stretches the runtime to almost two and a half mind-numbing hours. Inserted into this mix are an array of increasingly outlandish action sequences that even the most ardent fan of the series will be questioning in terms of probability, even for these films. You have cars that move against gravity on a falling bridge, a car that swings on a single rope of said bridge like an automated Tarzan, and a homemade spaceship made out of a Pontiac Fiero! (Say What!) In the ever increasing game of “can you top this?” “F9” pushes the limits of credibility so far that the stunt work (and copious amounts of CGI) threaten to take you out of the movie. That, plus the long running time, make “F9” one of the weaker entries in the series and that’s a shame!

That doesn’t mean it’s a total loss, though. “F9” still has a lot going for it. The theme of family (though expressed as about as subtly as a sledge hammer) continues to provide relatability to these characters no matter how crazy or unbelievable their actions become. Diesel is still chugging along reliably as Toretto, though I wish the stories would allow the talented actor to range farther beyond the meat-head hero trope he’s often asked to play. Cena is actually well-cast as Jakob as he really gets to the bottom of the younger Toretto’s rage and the flashbacks between the two younger Torettos really provides the emotional pull of the film. Ludacris and Gibson provide some laughs as the bickering best friends (though not as much as in previous films) and Rodriguez’s Letty shows an enhanced sense of maturity that gives her a den-mother quality without diminishing her kick-ass persona. And it’s always a hoot to see Helen Mirren return as Queenie Shaw, the mother of the two Shaw brothers from previous films. As for Han, Sung Kang isn’t given a lot to do here dramatically but he fits in with the group like a nice glove.

To sum up, “F9: The Fast Saga” doesn’t nearly live up to its title, but it has enough going for it to recommend it for some brainless yet well executed action. This is a pure “turn your brain off” type of film and during these times that’s not necessarily a bad thing. With a couple of surprise cameos and something of a cliffhanger ending, the next film has a chance to build on the mythology and hopefully provide a more fulfilling theatrical experience. 3 Out Of 5 On Kendog’s Barkometer! So Sayeth The Kendog!

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